Remember the dude that decided to call the police on a guy because he was fouled too hard in a game of pick-up basketball?

We now have the audio of the “hard screen” and “hard pick” that went down at an indoor basketball court inside an LA Fitness in Sterling, Virginia. At 6:40 pm, the Loudon County Sheriff’s Office received this phone call from a gym’s front desk attendant.

Thanks to the folks at Deadpsin for providing the audio. Here’s the full transcript.

LOUDOUN COUNTY SHERIFF’S OFFICE: Sheriff’s office.

LA FITNESS CLERK: Hi, yes I’m calling from LA Fitness at the Dulles Town Center, and, uh, a member got assaulted.

LCSO: Okay, and this occurred inside the business, or, where did it happen?

CLERK: Uh, it happened in the basketball court.

LCSO: Is the person that assaulted him still there?

CLERK: Um, is the person—let me ask him. [Pause] Yes, still in the gym.

LCSO: Can I get a description of the suspect?

CLERK: Um, [addressing someone in room] excuse me, excuse me. What does he look like? [Male voice in room: He’s tall, African-American, like six-four, six-five, he’s got sleeves, headband.]

CLERK: Uh, he’s tall, African-American, he has long sleeves and, uh, a headband you said? And a headband.

LCSO: And are you the desk clerk?

CLERK: Yes, I’m working at the front desk.

LCSO: And is the victim with you at the front desk?

CLERK: Yes.

LCSO: Does the victim need an ambulance, anything like that?

CLERK: No—uh, no.

LCSO: And what is your name?

CLERK: [redacted]

LCSO: What is your last name?

CLERK: [redacted]

LCSO: And your phone number there?

CLERK: Um, [redacted]

LCSO: Okay. Okay, we’ll have a deputy come and see everybody there, okay?

CLERK: Okay, thank you.

LCSO: Okay.

 

If you thought that in itself deserves to be fake news, wait till you see the body cam footage of the “victim” and the “accused.” The guy with the sleeves below was the person responsible for setting the screen, while the man who made the gym clerk call 911 is wearing the Nike shirt with the “Get Your Swoosh On,” which would imply that he enjoys playing pick-up basketball, right?

Warning, the following video is NSFW:

 

Like anyone would, the accused man tries to explain to the officer that there was nothing malicious about the pick and that there’s really no point of the cop wasting his time at the gym.

“So big man pushed me in the back while we’re standing underneath the basketball — all I did was make a basketball play into him like this,” Sleeves guy said as he imitated setting a pick. “That’s all I did. If he wants to cry about that that’s a basketball — it’s part of basketball.”

To which the accused follow that up with “Brandon, Brandon, you know that you didn’t do that. Admit what you did. Admit what you did ...”

Finally, the officer has enough of the bickering and interjects with “OK, let’s start with this: you two know each other clearly. Is this something where you want to press charges for assault and battery or is this just some heated basketball (stuff)?”

Brandon, the accused, says he was pushed in the back and called a b****, while the Swoosh man claims he took an elbow to his head.

Props to the LA Fitness attendant playing the mediator in the video. This quote from him sums the whole situation up perfectly.

“I had people tell me ... one said it was a tiny shove, the other said it was a big shove. It’s like we’re going back to high school.”

In the end, the guy didn’t even want to press charges. What a world.

Go find a new court to play on, Swoosh man, and maybe next time, don’t waste the time of a police officer that would’ve been better served fighting a REAL criminal offence.

(h/t Deadspin)