Here’s the thing about hockey movies: there’s not very many of them out there, which is quite unfortunate.
Here’s the other thing about hockey movies, though: the ones that are out there are almost all absolute masterpieces.
Of course, they’re definitely not masterpieces by any sort of cinematic criteria, but they are by hockey fan definition of the term. In fact, some of the most beloved characters in hockey culture are fictional ones from these films. In the spirit of that, we got to thinking about who the greatest fictional hockey player of all time is. Now, notice we said the GREATEST, not the most lovable or famous. We took a look at some tape, tried to scrounge together some statistics, and took a deep-dive into fictional hockey history to crown the greatest fictional hockey player of all time.
Honourable mention - Jack (MVP: Most Valuable Primate)
We had to include Jack on this list because he walked (skated?) so that Air Bud could run. Seriously, this hockey playing chimpanzee is an icon, and if this article was called “The Greatest Non-Human Hockey Player of All-time", then Jack would most definitely be at the top of our list.
5. Adam Banks (Mighty Ducks)
When we said ‘greatest’ and not ‘most lovable’ we meant it! We know Charlie Conway is by far the most beloved Mighty Duck, but Adam Banks was the most talented by a landslide. In case you needed a little Mighty Ducks refresher, the squad was a laughing stock until it was determined that Banks, who played for the rival Hawks at the time, actually lived in District 5. Banks went on to lead the Mighty Ducks to Championships in the first and second movies.
4. Xavier LaFlamme (Goon)
We know that he had a far fall from grace, but there’s definitely something to be said about getting drafted second overall to the NHL. Once he got his fear of being hit under control by being paired with an enforcer like Doug Glatt, LaFlamme found his groove again and became the Halifax Highlanders’ biggest offensive weapon. His insane hands and finishing ability speak for themselves, but he’s a solid player on both ends of the ice.
3. Dean Youngblood (Youngblood)
He was undersized, he couldn’t fight, and he had all the odds stacked against him. With that being said, once he was able to develop the physical side of his game and become a complete player, there’s very few fictional hockey players who could rival the pure goal scoring abilities and sheer speed of Dean Youngblood. This guy had it all!
2. Connor Banks (Mystery, Alaska)
Like all of the players on the Mystery team, Connor Banks’ skating abilities were otherworldly. In addition to that, do you know how talented you have to be to get off from shooting a guy in the foot just so you can participate in a hockey game? Banks was the team’s most lethal scoring weapon, and in Mystery’s game against the New York Rangers, he proved that he could hang with the big dogs to the point that they signed him to a minor league deal.
1. Darren Roanoke (The Love Guru)
When this guy isn’t absolutely incapacitated as a result of marital issues, Roanoke was a total stud. Such a stud, in fact, that he completed a feat that no modern hockey player has ever been able to: he led the Toronto Maple Leafs to a Stanley Cup. Barring any and all life complications that could lead to his emotional discomfort and subsequent disaster, Roanoke is without a doubt the most skilled fictional hockey player on this list.
